Reflections

Life can't always be so black and white, can it? Had you told me five years ago that this is where my life would be today- would I have believed? More thoroughly- would I have swelled with the pride that I swell today? Exhausting nights, plans hinged on minut details of organization, barely time to eat, 6am mornings so that I can get my beautiful son to the daycare that I can barely afford, early enough that I can depart work in advance to pick him up by 4:15- the goal being to be home by 5, in my own bed by 9. 26 and going strong as the lead of a two man team: him and I against the world.

I'll never forget the first silent moment I spent with him. All family gone following a long day of physical dispatch. The nurse, Mary, had placed this smooth skinned wonder in my arms. Looking into his blue eyes, he stared back as he struggled to focus on my exhausted semblence; I spoke directly to him. "It's you and me, son. You and me against the world. Are you ready for a battle?" I like to believe that little wriggle was his accession to the task at hand. 12 months in and he hasn't let me down.

Daily, I reflect on all the unexpected blessings he offers me. His presence has allowed me to slow down and appreciate what I never imagined I would find in a single mother scenario: freedom. Freedom not defined as it was 2 years prior where I would sleep in til the last minute arriving to work wrinkled and still half asleep. I'd linger about in after hours sometimes in a dark scene, sometimes in my own dark spirit trying to figure out exactly what my mission was on this earth. Freedom no longer defined as my ability to act foolishly with my life; instead, to explore the opportunity I have at hand through my mind and capabilities. Perhaps God saw my wandering spirit and sent this boy as a guide to me, not the opposite. Suddenly I waken each day with more then a mission- but a calling. I never imagined a calling could be so... loud. That kid has some vocals!; his singing gibberish a room away.
If only he knew how he brought me out of the desert through a journey of fear and unknowing to the a place I never knew could exist. Satisfaction within myself. Maybe then he would know why I sing.