The Desirable Life

I love being a mom. I love it so much, in fact, I think I have forgotten much else. I am unsure, however, if this is a single mother experience or an all mom experience. At times when I find myself enjoying, simply, myself, a pang of guilt strikes me. How can I be enjoying this without Harrison? I focus for a moment on missing him- no matter where he is; Daycare, his dads, his bed... Don't be confused. I don't mope when I am not consumed in a game of sidewalk baseball or making a plastic gourmet meal by his side in his room. But I find it hard to focus on myself and what I want for me. (What do I want for me??)


The greatest struggle for me is knowing that I am choosing where I am in life because I am with my Harrison. I choose to stay in Buffalo so that my son can build sustainable relationships with his paternal father. I choose to live in a quiet 2 bedroom neighborhood apartment so that I can have a healthy community for Harrison to thrive in. I choose to stay in a job that I don't particularly love, but it sustains us, so that I can support Harrison and myself.



Sometimes I would like to choose to quit my job, sell most of my belongings, pack the rest in the car and go see the ocean. Obviously, I live in fantasy. Most responsible adults with or without child don't fulfill this.



When I feel this way I remind myself of where I was at before Harrison. I felt flailing about trying to build a purpose that was a waivering thin line of nothing. I attended churches looking for community. I attended parties in search of company. I read books trying to expand my mind to ideas not yet perceived. But no doubt, I was flailing in this sea of searching. Now- 2 1/2 years into the unknown with a best friend I never knew could exist I find a purpose: building a small character to make his impression on the world over the next 100 years. I consume myself with trying to make him be the best person he can be and showing him how the choices he makes affects the world around him. Even in disciplining him it is about teaching him about the world around him and the expectations that exist so that he can succeed. No longer flailing I am goal directed in this small persons existence and teaching the skill of critical thinking and living a desirable life to the best of my ability.




But then I ask myself, am I living the desirable life? Again, don't be confused- The purpose I am focused on is not without satisfaction! Clearly there is a satisfaction in my pursuit or I wouldn't struggle with those moments when it is just me. I realized today, though, that that is exactly the problem at hand. Outside of Harrison I am still flailing. I am still that person searching for MY desirable life.



Living a life backwards perhaps.



(And tell me if I am wrong...) but I feel that parents in a 2 parent household have the benefit of exactly that- the 2 parents. Outside of their child/ren they have each other. A greater purpose is found in the company kept. There is the understanding that no matter what all things will be done together and with resolution. Not perfect resolution as clearly there is a struggle and a pursuit within marriage. But the mother can focus on her child without guilt of how that 2nd person affects her childs life. I am not walking around craving and hunting for a husband- but when I do get a state of mind of trying to meet someone there is the guilt of what dating takes away from my son. The emotional energy that goes into trying to build something with another person and aligning your goals with that person is emotional energy that could be spent on my family- who will guarenteed always be there. Yet when you are trying to build a relationship outside of your son there is that perfect balance you must maintain of trying to get to know someone without putting your whole basket of eggs in their hands because if it should fail the time a heart spends recovering is more energy taken away from your child. This, in my mind, is one of the greatest challenges of single parenthood that the functional 2 parent family doesnt seem to get near facing. Am I wrong? There is no fear of bringing people into your childs life that will disappear.



Perhaps I focus too much on perfection. I dont want my son to have any less of a functional upbringing because of the family he was born into. He is blessed to have family that adore him and so many weighing presences in his life that desire him to climb mountains.



And there it is again- my pursuit for my desirable life as Miranda zoned in on Harrison. And maybe this is the greatest realization: There is no seperation between mother and child. They are one in so many ways. Many nights when I tuck him in and he whispers, "lay with me." In the back of my mind I think, "dishes, laundry, work waiting on my laptop..." but it is all put aside to lay in his bed beside his small breaths across my ear, pray together and have his small arm wrapped around my neck. "Mommy, you're my best." I'm not even sure specifically what that means but I feel like its his heart melting into mine. (Or maybe its mine into his.)



Yes, I am living the desirable life. I am not in love with every piece of it but I am surely in love with the pieces that make it. Should I come to this defining moment where I realize that I have found exactly what makes my life perfectly desirable perhaps I will be 100 years old. At that point, what is there to search for? I suppose knowing that I am striving to create more for myself and understanding that there is a person beyond that small person- in fact, there are 2 of us melted together, building empires, is what makes desiring all the more so appealing. It's a blessed life.