It's a Revolution!

Really, I need to do this more often. Typically I feel like there are things I want to say that I just shouldn't say. Not because they shouldn't be heard but because it might create a dark light in others minds on how I really feel about where I am at with my life. Motherhood is amazing. I wouldn't trade H for a million dollars. It is the circumstances in which I find my experience of motherhood draining. So many things I want to say here, and so impossible to express without hanging my dirty laundry out in public. My business is my business and I wouldn't want to lead anyone believe that our lives are not wonderful. I aim to build an Empire for H with no gaping holes just because he was born in a single parent family. H and I have enormous amounts of fun together and I have more time for him because it is just us. However, my struggles are of a different kind and I wish I could just write them out to gain understanding in others that everything is not always peaches and cream. I struggle for what I offer my son and my pride egg grows each day. I wish to present this whole, amazing picture of what I have for H and myself. Truth is, that it isn't perfect.
(Perhaps in 18 years I will write a book- retrospective of the whole picture.) I know I can't be going through this single parent struggle of having high expectations for my child while having to accept this non-parent in my child's life who is allowed to call himself parent and weigh on my sons light.

Occasionally it is like I go through this drought. Don't we all? Momentarily, the challenges around us outweigh the blessings we choose to see. My blessings are enormous and I choose to see them daily. Yesterday I got out of the shower and H was finishing an orange. "Here," he says without looking up. "I saved you one." It was the most thoughtful thing any one in the world could have done. His tiny fingers extended that eighth of the pulpy ocher. The fact that it came from my three year old made my heart swell. It was likely the best tasting clementine I had all season. My blessings outweigh my challenges.

I hate Buffalo. I do. Don't martyr me for speaking the truth. I hate Buffalo. If it were my way I would pack us up and take any job I could find in a warm climate anywhere else. Someday's I think about Brazil. Mostly because it ties into a fantasy then for any other reason.
"I've never seen, Brazil. Have you, H?"
"Whats Brazil?"

Answers my question.
If life were so easy. I didn't ask for any of this. At the same time I chose it with my honesty three years ago. I will always be honest. It may always be my downfall. Trusting you on this one, God. Not long ago I was sitting in church listening to a question ask session by a celebrity and his wife who had gone through finding out their newborn son had a life altering disability. The words that the child's mother said were so simple and so changing. "God loves my child." she said.

I love my child. I have felt for so long that I am my son's lone protector in this big world where anything could happen. I pray constantly for God's strength. I am NOT my son's lone protector. In fact, my protection is like saran wrap in a sword fight. God loves my son. He loves him. I am not alone in this battle for caring my sons well being.

God loves my son.
Revolutionary.